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Venti Green Tea Frappuccino. Fail!
I leave tomorrow to see my father for Thanksgiving in St Petersburg, FL (Russia, I wish!). I’ll be asking for a car…this will be interesting. My top car is a BMW X5 or a Mercury Mariner, but I’ll settle for any black midsize SUV, really. But my sister did get a $60,000 Lincoln MKX, so I don’t think my list of cars are too extravagant.
So, I saw my ex-boyfriend today for the last time before I leave for Florida. Let’s just say it ended with me crying, yelling, slamming the car door and almost running over him. Yeah…not a very good note to leave on. I told him I’ve been miserable for the past month or so (since he broke up with me) and that I can’t go on living like this. His response was, “I don’t know how to help you.” See, shit like that makes me angry. If you don’t know how to help, at least fucking try instead of letting me lock myself in your room and letting me talk about killing myself.
Anyways, at least the Saints won. 10-0, holla back youngin~
(via likeneelyohara)
the “hey baby!” that i used to get every morning
I was supposed to call Juan after he got home from watching our friend get tattooed, but when he called I was baking, then the next time I was icing the cake. So, I feel kind of bad because he was worried about me. Even though I told him I was fine, he was speaking to me as if I were a second from jumping off of a 50-story building. I don’t know. I say nothing’s wrong, but everything is wrong. Every. Little. Thing. Is wrong right now. And I don’t want to drag him into my hole of ~d00m and d3spa1r~ but quite honestly I’m a miserable person. And I’ve come to terms with that over the past few years. The only difference between then and now is that it’s exaggerated now because the person I loved basically gave up on me.
It’s also really hard to talk to him about what’s wrong with me, in terms of my therapist and psychiatrist. I mean, you don’t really just say, “Oh yeah, I felt like shit yesterday, so I ate 4000 calories in an hour-and-a-half, then chucked it all up in the toilet half drunk! Then after that, I cut myself and sat there and watched the blood trickle onto my comforter! So then, today, I so only ate 50 calories because yesterday made me feel so fat! In addition, I’m so fucking miserable that I can’t stop thinking about walking in front of a car or overdosing! So how was your day?!??!”
Like…that just doesn’t work. So it’s difficult to talk about the things that exasperate my shitty feelings. But I’m trying to get over him. He’s acting like we’ll never be together again, and that really, really hurts. Beyond belief. Because, honestly, I never saw us breaking up. And no, I’m not being a quintessential teenager in love in all aspects, but our relationship was really great. I was having the time of my life. But see, when I talk like this, I start looking at the past and seeing how I fucked up and how much I miss it.
So I might just attempt to study for physics, but in reality I most likely won’t because I’m about to pass out. I forgot to take Adderall today, so I’m reaaaaaally fucking tired. And it really bugged me just now that the captions on my television went dyslexic. It’s kind of sad how none of this is really important, yet I’m so self-absorbed into my little pit of despair that I can prate on about this for years.
Yep, so right now Metalocalypse > physics.
